SAD NEW last night! At the stroke of midnight, Harry and Meghan suddenly went LIVE from the U.S. to deliver a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT: ‘It is with deepest sorrow that we must inform you…’”

Harry’s role, he explained in the release, would be “Minister of Roasts and Chief of Security.”

“The goal is to generate enough sovereign wealth to establish our own diplomatic relations, issue our own limited edition currency (the ‘Sussex Sovereign’), and fund our own security,” Harry stated. “And let’s be honest, William has K-Pop. Andrew has reality TV. We have global sovereignty and extremely good espresso.“

The UK’s Reaction: Scorn and Admiration

The announcement has created predictable chaos back in the UK. Palace staff are reportedly bewildered, trying to figure out if they need to send an official diplomatic envoy to Montecito.