SHOCKING NEWS — 3 Minutes Ago! The Good Morning Britain studio fell into a suffocating silence as the host broke a bombshell update about Harry. The Palace has now confirmed the heartbreaking development: “It’s far worse than we feared… Harry has not…”

Prince William, the newly crowned King William V (following the previous fictional abdication), reportedly had to reread the press release three times. A courtier suggested the King simply remarked, “Well, that’s certainly… innovative. Does it come in a Corgi blend?”

Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, is rumored to be designing the packaging, ensuring it features a tasteful blend of Californian minimalist design with a subtle, stylized crest.